At Least My Grades Are Intact

“Now my grades are intact, but I am not and now I'm walking across the stage incomplete because my good years are gone”

By: Tahreem Shah

At least my grades are intact

But now my head's underwater and my eyes are rimmed red

Sleep is scarce and there's an ache in my head

There's a 95% on my screen but at what cost?

The thought of not having a future haunts me, keeps me awake at night

The thought of failure makes my blood run cold, my hands to shake and my overwhelming need for perfection to take over again

And I start over

I work until my wrists ache, my vision blurs and my head spins

I work myself into a nervous breakdown, nothing matters anymore except for the numbers on the screen

I may lose myself in the midst of this chaos

But at least my grades are still intact

At least I passed, at least the 95% is still there

But it slowly becomes too much

Eyes rimmed red, coffee mug lay neglected on my desk

The pale glow from my computer screen is the only source of light in the room

The clock strikes three A.M

I finally click the button that reads “turn in”

I count how many hours of sleep I’m going to get before the seemingly never ending cycle starts again

It’s not a lot

At least my assignments are done

But my eyes are rimmed red

The dull ache as loud as ever still in my head

But my grades are still intact

Two years pass , my grades are intact and I’m walking across the stage

Decked out in the flowy gown, the cap atop my head, tassel swishing as I walk

I’m shaking hands and getting my diploma

I did it, I’m done

But the thought hits me, a freight train all at once

Am I happy?

What did my work add up to?

A piece of paper and a couple of handshakes

This is what I worked for?

I reached my goal, sure but was I happy with the outcome?

Something was still missing, a void was still empty

And it was waiting, demanding to be filled

And now I realize this piece of paper, those handshakes don’t define me

The past four years of my life, I spent working until I couldn’t

“Why”? Because I wanted a good future and I have it now so why aren’t I happy?

Because, by looking into the future, I let the present slip through my trembling fingers

I spent all my good years, holed away and writing essays

Not laughing with friends, not with family

I prioritized this piece of paper over everything and everyone else

And now I realize that my grades are intact but I am not

The circles under my eyes serve as a constant reminder of how I chose to spend them

I spent them working and obsessing, not looking at stars and laughing with friends

I lost my good years out of fear

But at least my grades were still intact

But now I’m seventeen and a part of me is missing

My good years are missing

I’m walking across the stage but I’m not smiling because now they’re gone

I lost them

The 95% was still there but my good years are not

The void is empty, but the dull ache is gone and my eyes are no longer rimmed red

I force myself to smile and walk

Because my grades are still intact